showing up

Settling into savasana at the end of a long and sweaty yoga session, something happened that had never happened to me. Tears pricked my eyes and I felt an overwhelming rush of emotion.¬†You hear of people crying in yoga class, but that hasn’t been my experience. Until now.

It’s not that I’m a stoic automaton. A good yoga session leaves me feeling peaceful. Centered. Connected. Grateful. But tears? And this huge wave of emotion? This was all new.

The instructor had commented, much more eloquently than I can remember and type into this post, that we should be grateful to ourselves for being here, for showing up for ourselves on a Monday morning at 9AM. Only a small percentage of people want to do that. An even smaller percentage of people are able to do that.

Old me, drinking me, would have been part of the majority, not showing up for myself. I would have been at home, nursing my second (or third) cup of coffee. Pretending I didn’t have a headache. Beating myself up for yet another broken promise to myself. Acting like I was fine when I was really falling apart.

Attending a 9AM yoga class was unfathomable for old me.

Old me would have made excuses to cover up the reality. It’s too expensive. Why drive to the studio when I can (but most likely won’t) do it at home? My kids need me. Any excuse, every excuse to cover up the reality: I was hungover. Embarrassed. Dull-eyed. A shadow of myself.

New me shows up. She drinks herbal tea instead of pinot noir. New me puts herself to bed when her body needs it. She wakes up with the birds and doesn’t need a hefty jolt of caffeine to make her feel even semi-human. She is clear-eyed and embraces the day. She keeps her promises to herself and others.

New me makes it to yoga at 9AM on a Monday morning.

…. that’s what hit me. I show up for myself now. I am so grateful that I made this choice, that I did the work, and that every day I recommit to this path. My life is changing before my very eyes. Not because I won the lottery, or because my world is suddenly perfect. My life is changing because I made the decision to stop treating myself poorly. I started treating myself with love and respect. I gave myself what I needed, not what I wanted.

And here I am. New me. Showing up for myself. Showing up at 9AM on Monday morning. Shedding tears of joy, tears of gratitude, and tears of relief.

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